tger greenhaddock: A bum deal

Thursday, December 08, 2005

A bum deal

My physio appointment for yesterday was cancelled, so I made a visit to the Doctors for a menschen TÜV instead – a sort of human MOT for the over 40’s. The doctor gives you a general lookover, and then checks your lungs, heart and blood. I have my blood checked every 6 months because of my knackered thyroid gland. I don’t like needles, but I am used to that now. The ECG contraption for the heart check was fun, and my lungs still seem to be functioning ok.

He mentioned that perhaps he should check my prostrate gland. This set bells off ringing distantly in the back of my mind, but I wasn’t alarmed. The doctor then explained what the procedure involved. I was now alarmed, and had to politely postpone this check to another date in the future. For as I explained to the Doctor, Mrs Haddock had cooked a rather hot Thai Curry the night before, and poking around in certain places was probably not the safest thing to do.

My Doctor did mention several times that I should do more exercise. He rejected my idea of drinking beer out of bigger and therefore heavier glasses as a sensible form of exercise. He was at least polite enough not to refer to me as Lard Boy or Porky, but did suggest that I join a fitness studio. So this is what I shall be doing in the New Year. But before I visit a gym there is Christmas to contend with, and I am going back to England for the event. I shall feast and drink of England’s finest, - fish & chips, pork pies, pickled eggs etc – all washed down by pints of crap lager.

I’ll then be ready to strut my stuff in the fitness studio, and maybe have that prostrate checked as well.

10 Comments:

Blogger Martin Stickland said...

Prostate check! How my wife laughed in the cubical at me as doctor death stuck his finger up my posterior (at least I think it was his finger, but to keep it up there for ten minutes and puff and blow like a tortoise on an exercise bike was beyond the call of duty!) I had to get the wife to leave the room it was so embarrassing!

Pork Pies, chips and beer in England!?? I hate to disappoint you old chap but due to EEC law number R45-6001, section 5, paragraph 18, point 12 we cannot eat that muck back in old blighty anymore, it's all porridge and cold rice now!

Bye!!

December 08, 2005 10:51 AM  
Anonymous Belinda said...

Seriously Mr.H, your medical posts have had me in stitches. At least your doctor gave you the OPTION.

I had a bad car accident once and they thought I was unconscious (I was just resting). Someone (I'm hoping it was a doctor at least) went "down south" and I was suddenly feeling a lot worse :|

The man was all "Oh sorry we're just checking you're not bleeding internally". I said, "well you keep pokin' around down there, someone sure as hell will be".

December 08, 2005 7:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Many moons ago I had a prostrate examination & I upset the doctor because at the vital moment I shouted out the name of my chiropodist.

December 09, 2005 1:57 PM  
Blogger Haddock said...

Martin - I'll leave the wife at home when I have my check. They cant ban pork pies & chips. It's what saw our brave lads through 2 World Wars :)

Belinda - I've put it top of my list never to have a car accident. What you went though was terrible.

Nonnie Mouse - I guess that could happen to anyone!

December 09, 2005 2:48 PM  
Blogger RuKsaK said...

Good for you - doctors scare the shit out of me - I want to die - I just don't want to know about it. Although I do have a sneaking suspicion it might happen one day.

December 09, 2005 3:34 PM  
Blogger Rocky said...

Hilarious post! Ah, yes, the prostate exam. When I had mine, it was unpleasant. The day after, I found the doctor's watch up there.
The worst part? I had to pay an obscene amount of money for the whole experience! What a pain in the bum!

December 09, 2005 4:53 PM  
Blogger Hamish said...

With all the advances of modern technology, it's a bit of a surprise that doctors still haven't found an easier way to check your prostate than sticking their finger up your bum.

And your idea of drinking with bigger glasses as exercise is brilliant. Maybe you can open a Mr. Haddock fitness bar, complete with light beer and heavy glasses.

December 10, 2005 1:50 PM  
Blogger Haddock said...

Rocky - You had to pay money for the experience! - that's not good.

Hamish - You're right, there must be some sort of scanning machine that they can use nowadays.

I like the idea of The Mr Haddock fitness bar. I think it's a winner! :)

December 11, 2005 10:48 AM  
Blogger Flo said...

I used to watch prostatic massage being done on patients at an STD clinic I worked at.
It appears to be a humbling experience.
Flo.

December 13, 2005 10:48 AM  
Blogger Haddock said...

Thanks Flo - I feel so much better already :(

December 14, 2005 12:26 AM  

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